men in general

An open letter to men:

alright, time to get down and dirty. a lesson for guys. here's some advice, just general stuff. no worries. (although, really, i think this letter should target guys between 30 and 50, i think you have the most issues with this)

1) Your pants should come down to the top of the heel of your shoe. in my 2.5 years at ford, i've never worked on then 2nd floor, so i've never taken the stairs (or escalator) to get to my desk each and every day. but when i walk to my cube, i take the escalator up, most often with a variety of gentleman on the steps above me, all whose pants are too short. Most egregious: pants that end at the top of the shoe. If you're standing, i should not see your sock. time to invest in new pants. but wait, it's not like you grew 2 inches in the past two years because you're young and might still be growing. you're 40! buy new pants! god forbid your cross your legs, your pants will come halfway up your leg. err on the side of too long. you can always TAILOR them to be shorter, but then again, if you got your pants tailored, we wouldn't have this problem, because your tailor wouldn't make your pant legs stop just 1 mm from the top of your shoe. listen, it doesn't matter where you shop or how much you spend on pants. usually there are 2 integers with an x in between them. the first is your waist, and while I could comment on the waist measurement, i'm more concerned with the 2nd number, which is called the inseam. from my personal experience, it looks like you all opted to get pants with a 28" inseam. I'm 5'9" (read: average male height in the u.s.) and I get pants with a 30" inseam. I didn't think you could find pants with less than a 30" inseam, but apparently your warddrobe has them (or you're wearing your pants way too high, in an effort to cover the integer that comes before the x)

2) I swear, everytime i use the urinal, there's always one guy, herein labeled "that guy" who stands at the urinal with his hands on his hips. WHAT?! i don't know if i'm more jealous or pissed off by your ridiculous display. personally, i need to hold 'mine' to pee into a urinal. maybe your age (or prostate) has done something that allows you to be erect while peeing, or maybe you're not peeing, i don't know. one day, i hope you piss all over yourself. this isn't your house where you can aimlessly pee into the porcelian basin below you. this is a freaking public bathroom and you're peeing in a urinal. be a man. hold it, use it, put it away.

2.5) To the guy in the stall behind me taking a dump while on a cell phone. i see this more and more each day. listen, this probably works fine at home, where you only (usually) have one toilet per bathroom, and you can flush when you're off the phone, but this is a public bathroom. you're talking about work, and other people(!!) are flushing their toilet! i'm pretty sure no one thinks, "you know, i'll skip flushing, that guy's talking on his cell phone...i'll wait until he's done to flush"

3) After writing all that, i feel like you get the point. talk to your wives, girlfriends, or your friends that have wives or girlfriends. they can put you on the right track. but at the same time, don't you ever dare let them fall to a similar fate: http://stephaniehay.wordpress.com/2007/12/01/tis-the-season/

UPDATE: thanks to mike volk, i'm reminded of another terrible bathroom faux pas. personal hygeine in the men's room just isn't going to fly. brushing your teeth with your finger? washing your hair in the sink? shaving? yeah, its almost as if you said, "work starts at 8:00 am. i can shave at home, and show up to work at 8:06 am, or i can waste 6 minutes at work, and claim i was working during that time"

next time you decide whether to show up exactly at 8, or spend the extra 10 minutes at home, doing the things you should be doing their anyway, please choose home. or at least use a toothbrush.